My daughter, Amanda, is a high school senior and has three criteria for her college search, in order of priority: 1) cheerleading, 2) sororities with mansions, and 3) an academic program that matches her interest du jour, which has ranged from physical therapy to actuarial science to special education to international relations. Yet when she honed in on her final choice of universities, one of the reasons she cited was
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Wrapped in love, sent for service
Grateful for the opportunity to post in Living Lutheran, with thanks to my editor, Jan Rizzo. This post includes some thoughts about my daughter's process for choosing a college. . .
Thursday, February 20, 2014
St. John's Child Safety Policy
For those interested in seeing the full documentation of St. John's Child Safety policies:
1/6 Copy of 2014-01-10 12:09:25 Child safety policy (#8)
Page 1 of 6
St. John’s Lutheran Church Policy & Procedure Manual
Approval Date: 04/17/2007 Approved By: Congregational Council
Position Responsible for Implementing: Parish Steward
13. POLICY: INFANT, CHILD, AND YOUTH SAFETY
Procedures shall be established to provide a safe environment for the
physical, mental and emotional well being of the infants, children, and
youth who participate in church sponsored activities at St. John’s Lutheran
Church.
13.1 Mission Statement
13.1.1 The people of St. John’s Lutheran Church believe it is in the best
interests of the church, its staff and volunteers, and the infants,
children and youth of the church, to adopt policies, procedures
and screening tools to assist in providing a safe environment for
the physical, mental and emotional well-being of the infants,
children and youth who participate in church sponsored activities
at St. John’s Lutheran Church.
13.1.2 These same policies, procedures and screening tools assist in
providing staff and volunteers from being unfairly accused of any
form of child abuse.
13.1.3 It is with this mission in mind that the following policies,
procedures and screening tools will be used, beginning with new
volunteers, new programs, and the start of existing programs on
April 1, 2007.
13.2 Administration, Background Checks, and Definitions
13.2.1 Administration of Policies and Procedures will be directed by the
Parish Steward in cooperation with the Director of Music
Ministries, Children’s Ministries Coordinator, Confirmation
Coordinator, Nursery Coordinator, Director of Health Ministry,
Associate Pastors, and the Senior Pastor. Calling of references
will be shared between program staff working with infants, children
and youth, using a standard reference form (see Appendix E).
13.2.2 All employees (including pastors) hired/called after October 1,
1997 will be required to submit to A Background Check including a
Criminal Records check as part of the employment process.
(Refer to the Personnel Policy).
13.2.3 Copies of all volunteer and staff Screening Forms, with reference
responses, will be kept by the Parish Steward
13.2.4 State Law reporting obligations and procedures file will be kept for
reference by the Parish Steward.
13.2.5 Definitions
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Page 2 of 6
13.2.5.1 Staff/Employees—Persons in the employ of St. John’s
Lutheran Church. Employees may or may not be
members of the church
13.2.5.2 Volunteers—Confirmed persons who offer their gifts
and time to St. John’s Lutheran and who receive no
remuneration for serving. Volunteers, by definition for
this policy, are active members of St. John’s, or the
spouse of an active member of St. John’s.
13.2.5.3 Infant—Newborn through age 3.
Child—Age 4 through Grade 5.
Youth—Entering 6th Grade through the Summer
after 12th Grade.
13.3 The following procedures shall be in effect at St. John’s Lutheran Church:
13.3.1 Prior-Record Rule
13.3.1.1 Any person who has been convicted of child abuse
cannot serve in any church-sponsored activity or
program for infants, children or youth.
13.3.2 Six-Months Rule
13.3.2.1 All volunteers working with infants, children or youth
must have participated in St. John’s Lutheran Church
activities for six months or more or have suitable
references from other churches in which they have
participated.
13.3.3 Two-Adult Rule
13.3.3.1 Two or more volunteers or staff should be present
during any church activity that involves children and
youth to avoid having one volunteer alone with one
child or youth. One volunteer must be 18 years of age
or older.
13.3.3.2 Exceptions may need to be made, as, for example,
with the confirmation mentor program, with counseling,
or with providing transportation.
13.3.3.3 Such exceptions should be handled by:
a) Obtaining parental permission,
b) Using an “open door” policy (the door to the
room where the infant, child or youth are
meeting is left open unless the door has a
window), and
c) Notifying appropriate church staff in advance
of such meeting.
13.3.4 Parental Permission
13.3.4.1 Volunteers who have legitimate reasons to meet alone
with an infant, child or youth should obtain the consent
of the infant, child or youth’s parent or legal guardian
before spending time with the infant, child or youth in
an unsupervised situation.
13.3.4.2 This procedure could be used, for example, with the
confirmation mentor program or providing
transportation.
3/6 Copy of 2014-01-10 12:09:26 Child safey policy (3/6)
Page 3 of 6
13.3.4.3 If getting parental permission is a problem, for
example, if a youth is having problems in a parental
relationship and desires a visit with a volunteer in the
church about those problems, the volunteer doing the
counseling could ask the youth for permission to
involve a second adult or youth.
13.3.4.4 If the youth needs last minute transportation, such as a
ride home after a church youth group event, the parent
should be telephoned to ask permission to provide the
ride.
13.3.4.5 If the parent is not available the two-adult rule should
be followed and another adult should go along, or the
appropriate church staff should be notified of the plan
13.3.5 Adequate Personnel
13.3.5.1 Programs and activities that involve infant, children
and/or youth should always include adequate
supervisory personnel. Generally, there shall be one
adult chaperone for every seven youth. The
appropriate staff person shall determine the number of
adult chaperones to be present.
13.3.5.2 Supervision should also be maintained before and after
the event until all infant, children and/or youth are in
the custody of their parent or legal guardian. For
example, the staff person in charge and one additional
adult chaperones should remain at the church following
an activity until all infant, children, and/or youth have
left the premises.
13.3.5.3 A specific area of the church building will be
designated for each event.
13.3.5.4 Each infant, child, and/or youth event will have a
starting and ending time established and published.
Infant, children, and/or youth should not arrive earlier
than 30 minutes prior to the event starting time nor stay
later than 30 minutes after the published ending time.
13.3.6 Overnight Rule
13.3.6.1 Two or more adults must always be involved in any
church-sponsored overnight activity that involves
infant, children or youth.
13.3.6.2 All adult chaperones and supervisors should be
cleared in advance by the appropriate church
leaders/staff.
13.3.7 Transportation
13.3.7.1 All transportation for offsite events originating from the
church will be furnished. Only authorized adults may
serve as drivers for infant, children and/or youth
events, and only authorized vehicles will be used.
13.3.8 Release and consent forms
13.3.8.1 For out of town events and/or overnight events parents
will be required to sign release and consent forms.
Children and/or youth may be asked to sign behavior
4/6 Copy of 2014-01-10 12:09:26 Child safey policy (4/6)
Page 4 of 6
guideline forms applicable to the specific event. Failure
to comply will result in exclusion from the event.
13.3.8.2 Volunteers under the age of 18 are required to have a
parent or legal guardian sign off on all forms.
13.3.9 Church Nursery
13.3.9.1 A separate policy covers nursery procedures.
13.3.10 Prohibited Behaviors
13.3.10.1 Physical striking, hitting, spanking of an infant, child or
youth.
13.3.10.2 Touching, fondling, kissing an infant, child or youth in
an inappropriate or sexual manner
13.3.10.3 Verbally or emotionally abusive or sexually suggestive
language.
13.3.10.4 Placing yourself in a situation where you are alone with
an infant, child or youth.
13.3.10.5 Consumption of alcohol leading to impairment before
an event. Consumption of alcohol during an event.
Consumption of illegal drugs before or during any
event.
13.3.11 Reporting Suspicious Behavior
13.3.11.1 Any inappropriate conduct or relationship between an
adult and an infant, child, or youth should be reported
and investigated immediately using the procedure
outlined in the Safety Response Plan.
13.3.12 Training in Infant, Child and Youth Safety
13.3.12.1 Volunteers who work with infant, children and/or youth
and all staff will be informed of the policies and
procedures under which the church operates through
printed materials and training sessions.
13.3.12.2 Volunteers who work with infant, children and youth
and all staff will complete a Screening Form (See
Appendix F).
13.4 Safety Response Plan
13.4.1 Public Statement
13.4.1.1 Only the pastors or legal counsel shall speak to the
media concerning a specific case.
13.4.2 Reporting Obligations
13.4.2.1 A verbal report of alleged abuse will be filed
immediately with the Iowa Department of Human
Services if the alleged abuser is the infant, child or
youth’s parent or caretaker. If the alleged abuser is
church staff or a volunteer, a report to the police will be
filed. The verbal report will be documented in writing
and shall be minute specific and dated.
13.4.2.2 The police will also be contacted if the infant, child or
youth’s immediate safety is at risk.
13.4.2.3 A written report by a witness will be made within 24
hours of an incident using the “Incident Report Form”
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Page 5 of 6
(See Appendix G). Unfounded reports will be
destroyed after the investigation process is completed.
13.4.2.4 All written and verbal reports should be made by the
adult closest to the situation (e.g. an eye witness, the
first adult told by the infant, child, or youth or the infant,
child or youth’s parent(s).
13.4.3 Reporting Procedure
13.4.3.1 Any alleged abuse committed by church staff or at a
church-sponsored event should be reported to a
pastor.
13.4.3.2 If a pastor is not immediately available, the reporter
should immediately complete a report form. The forms
will be available in the church office. A pastor should
be contacted as soon as possible.
13.4.3.3 A pastor should begin documenting in writing all efforts
in handling the situation from the time it was first
reported. This should continue throughout the process.
13.4.3.4 A pastor should notify the infant, child or youth’s
parent(s) or legal guardian(s), church attorney,
insurance agency, and synodical officials. Actions
taken will be documented and a log kept in order to
show due diligence over and against potential litigation
13.4.3.5 A pastor should notify the Department of Human
Services when appropriate
13.4.3.6 The alleged abuser should not be confronted until the
safety of the infant, child and/or youth has been
secured.
13.4.3.7 Care should be taken to avoid prejudging the situation,
but all allegations will be taken seriously. Pastoral care
should be extended to the victim and family. The
alleged abuser shall be afforded full due process in the
handling of any complaint.
13.4.3.8 Pastoral care should be available to the alleged abuser
and family. The alleged abuser should be kept
appraised of all developments. The alleged abuser
should be supported and treated with dignity. He/she
should be relieved of his/her responsibilities until the
investigation is complete. If the person is a paid staff
person, a determination should be made and
documented by the Executive Committee to either
maintain or suspend his or her salary until the
allegations are cleared or substantiated.
13.4.3.9 The text of the prepared public statement should be
used to respond to the press and the congregation
using care to protect the privacy and confidentiality of
all involved. The following prepared statement will be
used initially: We are aware of the alleged incident of
abuse involving a child of St. John’s Lutheran Church.
The appropriate authorities have been contacted and
are investigating the allegation. The church has a
protection policy in place to screen all people working
6/6 Copy of 2014-01-10 12:09:26 Child safey policy (6/6)
Page 6 of 6
with infants, children and youth in our programming.
This policy was implemented in 1998. For the
protection of all involved, I cannot disclose any further
information at this time. We are working with legal
counsel preparing a more complete statement, which
we will release as soon as it is finished.
Thank you.
1/6 Copy of 2014-01-10 12:09:25 Child safety policy (#8)
Page 1 of 6
St. John’s Lutheran Church Policy & Procedure Manual
Approval Date: 04/17/2007 Approved By: Congregational Council
Position Responsible for Implementing: Parish Steward
13. POLICY: INFANT, CHILD, AND YOUTH SAFETY
Procedures shall be established to provide a safe environment for the
physical, mental and emotional well being of the infants, children, and
youth who participate in church sponsored activities at St. John’s Lutheran
Church.
13.1 Mission Statement
13.1.1 The people of St. John’s Lutheran Church believe it is in the best
interests of the church, its staff and volunteers, and the infants,
children and youth of the church, to adopt policies, procedures
and screening tools to assist in providing a safe environment for
the physical, mental and emotional well-being of the infants,
children and youth who participate in church sponsored activities
at St. John’s Lutheran Church.
13.1.2 These same policies, procedures and screening tools assist in
providing staff and volunteers from being unfairly accused of any
form of child abuse.
13.1.3 It is with this mission in mind that the following policies,
procedures and screening tools will be used, beginning with new
volunteers, new programs, and the start of existing programs on
April 1, 2007.
13.2 Administration, Background Checks, and Definitions
13.2.1 Administration of Policies and Procedures will be directed by the
Parish Steward in cooperation with the Director of Music
Ministries, Children’s Ministries Coordinator, Confirmation
Coordinator, Nursery Coordinator, Director of Health Ministry,
Associate Pastors, and the Senior Pastor. Calling of references
will be shared between program staff working with infants, children
and youth, using a standard reference form (see Appendix E).
13.2.2 All employees (including pastors) hired/called after October 1,
1997 will be required to submit to A Background Check including a
Criminal Records check as part of the employment process.
(Refer to the Personnel Policy).
13.2.3 Copies of all volunteer and staff Screening Forms, with reference
responses, will be kept by the Parish Steward
13.2.4 State Law reporting obligations and procedures file will be kept for
reference by the Parish Steward.
13.2.5 Definitions
2/6 Copy of 2014-01-10 12:09:26 Child safey policy (2/6)
Page 2 of 6
13.2.5.1 Staff/Employees—Persons in the employ of St. John’s
Lutheran Church. Employees may or may not be
members of the church
13.2.5.2 Volunteers—Confirmed persons who offer their gifts
and time to St. John’s Lutheran and who receive no
remuneration for serving. Volunteers, by definition for
this policy, are active members of St. John’s, or the
spouse of an active member of St. John’s.
13.2.5.3 Infant—Newborn through age 3.
Child—Age 4 through Grade 5.
Youth—Entering 6th Grade through the Summer
after 12th Grade.
13.3 The following procedures shall be in effect at St. John’s Lutheran Church:
13.3.1 Prior-Record Rule
13.3.1.1 Any person who has been convicted of child abuse
cannot serve in any church-sponsored activity or
program for infants, children or youth.
13.3.2 Six-Months Rule
13.3.2.1 All volunteers working with infants, children or youth
must have participated in St. John’s Lutheran Church
activities for six months or more or have suitable
references from other churches in which they have
participated.
13.3.3 Two-Adult Rule
13.3.3.1 Two or more volunteers or staff should be present
during any church activity that involves children and
youth to avoid having one volunteer alone with one
child or youth. One volunteer must be 18 years of age
or older.
13.3.3.2 Exceptions may need to be made, as, for example,
with the confirmation mentor program, with counseling,
or with providing transportation.
13.3.3.3 Such exceptions should be handled by:
a) Obtaining parental permission,
b) Using an “open door” policy (the door to the
room where the infant, child or youth are
meeting is left open unless the door has a
window), and
c) Notifying appropriate church staff in advance
of such meeting.
13.3.4 Parental Permission
13.3.4.1 Volunteers who have legitimate reasons to meet alone
with an infant, child or youth should obtain the consent
of the infant, child or youth’s parent or legal guardian
before spending time with the infant, child or youth in
an unsupervised situation.
13.3.4.2 This procedure could be used, for example, with the
confirmation mentor program or providing
transportation.
3/6 Copy of 2014-01-10 12:09:26 Child safey policy (3/6)
Page 3 of 6
13.3.4.3 If getting parental permission is a problem, for
example, if a youth is having problems in a parental
relationship and desires a visit with a volunteer in the
church about those problems, the volunteer doing the
counseling could ask the youth for permission to
involve a second adult or youth.
13.3.4.4 If the youth needs last minute transportation, such as a
ride home after a church youth group event, the parent
should be telephoned to ask permission to provide the
ride.
13.3.4.5 If the parent is not available the two-adult rule should
be followed and another adult should go along, or the
appropriate church staff should be notified of the plan
13.3.5 Adequate Personnel
13.3.5.1 Programs and activities that involve infant, children
and/or youth should always include adequate
supervisory personnel. Generally, there shall be one
adult chaperone for every seven youth. The
appropriate staff person shall determine the number of
adult chaperones to be present.
13.3.5.2 Supervision should also be maintained before and after
the event until all infant, children and/or youth are in
the custody of their parent or legal guardian. For
example, the staff person in charge and one additional
adult chaperones should remain at the church following
an activity until all infant, children, and/or youth have
left the premises.
13.3.5.3 A specific area of the church building will be
designated for each event.
13.3.5.4 Each infant, child, and/or youth event will have a
starting and ending time established and published.
Infant, children, and/or youth should not arrive earlier
than 30 minutes prior to the event starting time nor stay
later than 30 minutes after the published ending time.
13.3.6 Overnight Rule
13.3.6.1 Two or more adults must always be involved in any
church-sponsored overnight activity that involves
infant, children or youth.
13.3.6.2 All adult chaperones and supervisors should be
cleared in advance by the appropriate church
leaders/staff.
13.3.7 Transportation
13.3.7.1 All transportation for offsite events originating from the
church will be furnished. Only authorized adults may
serve as drivers for infant, children and/or youth
events, and only authorized vehicles will be used.
13.3.8 Release and consent forms
13.3.8.1 For out of town events and/or overnight events parents
will be required to sign release and consent forms.
Children and/or youth may be asked to sign behavior
4/6 Copy of 2014-01-10 12:09:26 Child safey policy (4/6)
Page 4 of 6
guideline forms applicable to the specific event. Failure
to comply will result in exclusion from the event.
13.3.8.2 Volunteers under the age of 18 are required to have a
parent or legal guardian sign off on all forms.
13.3.9 Church Nursery
13.3.9.1 A separate policy covers nursery procedures.
13.3.10 Prohibited Behaviors
13.3.10.1 Physical striking, hitting, spanking of an infant, child or
youth.
13.3.10.2 Touching, fondling, kissing an infant, child or youth in
an inappropriate or sexual manner
13.3.10.3 Verbally or emotionally abusive or sexually suggestive
language.
13.3.10.4 Placing yourself in a situation where you are alone with
an infant, child or youth.
13.3.10.5 Consumption of alcohol leading to impairment before
an event. Consumption of alcohol during an event.
Consumption of illegal drugs before or during any
event.
13.3.11 Reporting Suspicious Behavior
13.3.11.1 Any inappropriate conduct or relationship between an
adult and an infant, child, or youth should be reported
and investigated immediately using the procedure
outlined in the Safety Response Plan.
13.3.12 Training in Infant, Child and Youth Safety
13.3.12.1 Volunteers who work with infant, children and/or youth
and all staff will be informed of the policies and
procedures under which the church operates through
printed materials and training sessions.
13.3.12.2 Volunteers who work with infant, children and youth
and all staff will complete a Screening Form (See
Appendix F).
13.4 Safety Response Plan
13.4.1 Public Statement
13.4.1.1 Only the pastors or legal counsel shall speak to the
media concerning a specific case.
13.4.2 Reporting Obligations
13.4.2.1 A verbal report of alleged abuse will be filed
immediately with the Iowa Department of Human
Services if the alleged abuser is the infant, child or
youth’s parent or caretaker. If the alleged abuser is
church staff or a volunteer, a report to the police will be
filed. The verbal report will be documented in writing
and shall be minute specific and dated.
13.4.2.2 The police will also be contacted if the infant, child or
youth’s immediate safety is at risk.
13.4.2.3 A written report by a witness will be made within 24
hours of an incident using the “Incident Report Form”
5/6 Copy of 2014-01-10 12:09:26 Child safey policy (5/6)
Page 5 of 6
(See Appendix G). Unfounded reports will be
destroyed after the investigation process is completed.
13.4.2.4 All written and verbal reports should be made by the
adult closest to the situation (e.g. an eye witness, the
first adult told by the infant, child, or youth or the infant,
child or youth’s parent(s).
13.4.3 Reporting Procedure
13.4.3.1 Any alleged abuse committed by church staff or at a
church-sponsored event should be reported to a
pastor.
13.4.3.2 If a pastor is not immediately available, the reporter
should immediately complete a report form. The forms
will be available in the church office. A pastor should
be contacted as soon as possible.
13.4.3.3 A pastor should begin documenting in writing all efforts
in handling the situation from the time it was first
reported. This should continue throughout the process.
13.4.3.4 A pastor should notify the infant, child or youth’s
parent(s) or legal guardian(s), church attorney,
insurance agency, and synodical officials. Actions
taken will be documented and a log kept in order to
show due diligence over and against potential litigation
13.4.3.5 A pastor should notify the Department of Human
Services when appropriate
13.4.3.6 The alleged abuser should not be confronted until the
safety of the infant, child and/or youth has been
secured.
13.4.3.7 Care should be taken to avoid prejudging the situation,
but all allegations will be taken seriously. Pastoral care
should be extended to the victim and family. The
alleged abuser shall be afforded full due process in the
handling of any complaint.
13.4.3.8 Pastoral care should be available to the alleged abuser
and family. The alleged abuser should be kept
appraised of all developments. The alleged abuser
should be supported and treated with dignity. He/she
should be relieved of his/her responsibilities until the
investigation is complete. If the person is a paid staff
person, a determination should be made and
documented by the Executive Committee to either
maintain or suspend his or her salary until the
allegations are cleared or substantiated.
13.4.3.9 The text of the prepared public statement should be
used to respond to the press and the congregation
using care to protect the privacy and confidentiality of
all involved. The following prepared statement will be
used initially: We are aware of the alleged incident of
abuse involving a child of St. John’s Lutheran Church.
The appropriate authorities have been contacted and
are investigating the allegation. The church has a
protection policy in place to screen all people working
6/6 Copy of 2014-01-10 12:09:26 Child safey policy (6/6)
Page 6 of 6
with infants, children and youth in our programming.
This policy was implemented in 1998. For the
protection of all involved, I cannot disclose any further
information at this time. We are working with legal
counsel preparing a more complete statement, which
we will release as soon as it is finished.
Thank you.
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Up Up and Away
 |
| Children growing up and out is the oldest story in the world. So why does it catch me off guard? |
What would you rather do: Send your
10-year-old daughter alone on an airplane to JFK International Airport in
Queens, New York? Or send your 17-year-old daughter alone in a car to another
state in the winter?
Yesterday, when my daughter drove
herself 200 miles it was the first day sunshine broke through the wintery sky
in weeks, so it seemed anyway. When you drive in the winter, you want the
weather to be either obviously good or obviously bad so you can make travel
decisions with certainty. It’s the in-between kind of weather that gets you,
when you don’t realize how bad road conditions really are until you are miles
down the interstate driving into the whiteout hoping your tires are actually
gripping the slickety surface, too late to turn around, or no way to turn
around. It’s the in-between kind of weather, when the midwestern machismo raises
its head with accusations of weakness for those who change their plans for the
weather.
Those are the days when I truly miss
living on the East Coast, where they shut things down at one inch of snow,
sometimes even with just simple rain. It was a cold, harsh reality when we
moved back to Minnesota and I got in trouble for canceling on a meeting because
I needed to drive 100 miles in 50 degrees below zero temperatures, counting the
wind-chill. (Though my East Coast CEO supported my decision.)
Yesterday the sky was perfectly blue and
sunny, so there was no question that the travel conditions would be good for my
daughter. She’s an excellent driver and had saved up her money to visit
friends. I’m so proud and impressed with the way she’s growing into a strong,
confident young woman but still, I couldn’t help but to feel a lump in my stomach
the entire afternoon. I tracked her on my smart phone GPS and it reminded me of
the old days when she slept in a crib with an the electric baby monitor set up
in her room, approximately 20 feet away from our kitchen. We’d listen to the receptor
and worry about every little baby burp and grunt, wondering if we should
intervene, aka interrupt her sleep. In hindsight I’m not sure those baby
monitors are a good idea – too much information. But still, I followed the GPS
all afternoon, getting frustrated when it didn’t work as fast as I wanted it
too, almost falling for the gimmick to purchase the upgraded app.
The lump in my stomach reminded me of
the time she was ten years old and got it into her head she wanted to fly alone
to New York City for Christmas vacation. Her aunts and uncles would pay for the
ticket, meet her at the airport, and treat her like a celebrity, so the decision
was pretty much made my nerves notwithstanding. We researched the unaccompanied
minor airline procedures (which I think they’ve cut out of the offerings by
now) and got her ready to go. I remember at the time one of our mentors was the
daughter of my former boss, who had spent a year after high school working in
Beirut and then after college went on to live and work in the Gaza strip, the harshest
little piece of land in the whole world (not the people, the living conditions,
just to be clear). "Don't call her, she'll call you," our mentor advised. "Just let her experience the trip." You get an idea of our influences.
My favorite Christmas vacations are the
ones where we are all holed up at home for a week, sleeping in, building ridiculously
complicated Lego structures, watching insane amounts of TV. Maybe that style of
winter break will come again but not this year. This year, I am working straight
through the holidays. I am considering the change that is about to come upon
us, that we are already in, that parents are always in starting the first moment
children breathe without your help. My children are growing older and their
lives are taking on new and interesting shapes, independent of me and Bob. It’s kind
of scary, to be honest, but I’m working to move into it instead of against it.
These days I don’t assume that my daughter will always be with me, but I’m
always amazingly grateful when I ask her to be with me and she says yes.
Soon, when she actually moves to a
different state, when she makes her own more complicated travel plans, when she
makes her own decisions about choices I can’t imagine, we will need to be more
deliberate to be together. She won’t just be driving a few days here, flying
a few days there, or sleeping in the other room making sounds through the baby
monitor.
...
Thank you for coming over to my blog. Wishing you and yours all the best for 2014.
With love from yours truly,
Natural Born Bleeding Heart
...
Thank you for coming over to my blog. Wishing you and yours all the best for 2014.
With love from yours truly,
Natural Born Bleeding Heart
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Christmas Past and Present
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| Ghosts of Christmas Past, Brooklyn, New York, circa 1994 |
If
there’s one thing that stands out in this picture it’s the French braid, and
the fact that I used to wear my hair that way to my midtown Manhattan office. I
realize it was lower Midtown, not Park Avenue but Park Avenue South, but still
-- a French braid!
Maybe
that’s why the people in Brooklyn called me farm girl even though I had never
lived on a farm (though I wished I had, still do). It didn’t take me long to
realize that New Yorkers glob everyone east of the Hudson River (basically the border between
New York City and New Jersey) into one group. I don’t diss on
New Yorkers, because I love them, married into a whole family system of them,
just as I don’t diss on Midwesterners, because I am one and I “get” them/us. This
post isn't about disrespecting anyone.
But
it is about stereotypes, which became evident in our gift giving this year. Who
are we? You can tell who we are by what we got for Christmas:
Bob:
donuts, cookies, mixed nuts, candy bars
Aidan: a variety of Axe products, skateboard stuff
Amanda:
cash, check, gift card, and another check
Me:
faux fur gloves with touch screen receptacles (part of my Audrey Hepburn
collection), wine and coffee products (though I'm trying to cut down on both, with mixed success)
There’s
our current family in a nutshell. We’re pretty simple. Just happy to have a family.
The picture above is circa 1995, when Santa would come to Trinity Lutheran Church in
Sunset Park Brooklyn to give toys to all the boys and girls (I think that’s
what he was doing, anyway, if I remember right.) BTW, all those boys and girls
are now teachers, doctors, designers, social workers, entrepreneurs, comedians,
and have grown into adults that make any former youth worker's heart sing. I myself am portrayed in my most recognized state of being, even now, having just
returned home from work, thus the hair band and matching pantyhose. For
record, these days all my hair bands are black and I tend to opt for pants.
 |
| This is what the Christmas present looks like, and it doesn't even come close to capturing the magnificence of the music, the lights, the people, the children, the stars, the story. St. John's Lutheran Church, Des Moines, Iowa. |
To
me that picture is totally dorky and I’d like to put it away, as I tend to not
be in relationship with the past, but my 17-year-old Amanda likes it and
wanted me to keep it. Speaking of that girl, I don’t know what I would do
without her. She has basically turned into the Santa of the house in recent
years. This year, even with her own hard earned money. She’s the one who keeps
the gift giving alive, even as I am pretty ambivalent about it. In an all time
low display of Christmas spirit, as she was wrapping her gifts to others, I
wrote out a couple of checks, one to her (my gift giving style, of late) and asked her to
wrap them and put them under the tree. She said it was exactly what she wanted.
My 14-year-old
son, however, brought a white elephant gift to the youth group last week that
was wrapped with a pile of our family junk mail (his idea of a joke) that
included my recruitment letter from the Association for the Advancement of
Retired People (AARP). So now all the kids at church know my advancing age and
they all thought it was quite funny. And I thought I was tricking them all into
believing I am forever 49-something. I am certainly not tricking myself. AARP seems pretty intent on signing me up and it doesn't seem like a bad idea.
Soon,
in celebration of being home together, my very favorite activity, we will be
playing our VHS tape of “The Sound of Music” starring Julie Andrews and eating
a mega-sized bag of pizza roles. The theory is that some of us will like the
movie, others the food. It’s not easy finding a movie that we can all dig with
our four personalities, but if you include an appetizer bribery it usually works. For
me, I can’t get enough of this togetherness, and more and more, it’s a rare occurrence.
Tomorrow
its back to the office for me. For some reason, even when I’m the only one who must get up and
out, when others in the household have time off it still feels like a holiday.
My colleagues have been great about making the office feel like togetherness,
even in the midst of writing four massive applications to fund domestic
violence services, etc. (Last night, Christmas Eve, a 34-year-old woman was shot and killed in her home in Des Moines, the 13th homicide of the year in Des Moines, at an address where police had been dispatched five times previously for domestic disputes. There was no information if children witnessed it, but they often do. I don't see how assault, battery, and predatory gun violence can be called a "dispute" but that's just me, hung up on words.)
But
if there’s one thing I can assure you about my work day tomorrow it is this: I
will not be wearing a French braid. (These days I go for the French clasp.
Easier.) But I remain an excellent French braid stylist, so let me know if you'd like one or two in your hair.
This
is just a quick post to check in and wish you and yours a wonderful holiday,
whatever you celebrate, however long or short you have to do what you love the
most.
With love from yours truly,
Natural Born Bleeding Heart
Sunday, December 22, 2013
Margaret, Queen of Healing
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Margaret with her royal aura dares you not to pity her, nor her slums, nor her continent. Here's a link to related post and awesome photo. |
I was saddened to hear about the train crash in Nairobi's Kibera slum and found it ironic that I heard this news report as I concluded my early morning writing session that had taken me to another Nairobi slum, Kangemi. I'm kind of a believer in signs, so I took this coincidence as a signal to post about the lovely and incredible Kenyan, The Rev. Margaret Obaga, one who will be well recognized by seminary friends. Below is a short excerpt from a chapter I'm working on about how Margaret helped us deal with the awful retching that afflicted Bob when his liver failed. There was a horrible physicality to Bob's illness, that was beautifully met by one who survived her own horrific physical procedure, inflicted upon her at the age of 12.
An excerpt:
“Get me a brown paper bag,” she said to
me in her quiet yet forceful voice. Margaret stood about five feet tall, but
when she talked, people listened. Even my kids listened. Her angelic baby face belied
her power, which was firm like hard earned wisdom. While I was deferential to
authority, Margaret commanded it. I got her a brown paper bag.
Margaret was from Nairobi, Kenya but
during Bob’s illness, she and her family lived down the hall. “If I were home,
I would put dirt on the bottom but we’ll just use flour. Get me some flour.” I
retrieved a half-used bag of flour from the kitchen cupboard.
“Dust the flour on the bottom of the
bag,” she instructed me, as if she knew exactly what to do in times of coughing,
retching, and vomiting. While I had to play mind games with myself to separate
the ugly illness from the human being, Margaret seemed perfectly at ease in the
presence of affliction. If she was revolted by Bob’s skeletal appearance and
egg-yolk eyes, she didn’t let on. Instead, she leaned close into Bob and held
the bag for him as he twisted his tonsils to gag up bile, and more bile, and
more.
When I first noticed Margaret on campus the
previous year, I’d been in awe because I recognized her from the headshot that
went with an article she’d published in TheLutheran magazine on the topic of banning female genital mutilation, based
on her own true story (September 2005, You need a paid subscription to access full article. Get it!). I considered this writing courageous but
even though we had turned into sister friends, I had not mentioned I read her
article. Her writing seemed too private. It was before I considered myself a
writer but I still had the sense that writers didn’t always wish to discuss
their published work.
The piece was entitled, “It is not for
someone to take this away” which was printed with quotes around it, her exact
wording as if she was talking out loud. I can hear her voice. Her writing is
chilling yet direct, describing the ritual she had participated in when she was
12 years old: “The next day you go to the river and dive in, for the cold has a
numbing effect. Then you face the knife. In my day it was the same knife for
all of us. You aren’t allowed to cry. When they cut your clitoris off, there’s
singing.” She goes on to write that a her younger sister refused to be
circumcised a few years later, that her mother had come to learn it was wrong,
that her daughter is not circumcised, and that “Today women in Kenya are rising
up against female circumcision and calling it FGM (female genital mutilation)
because it mutilates the system God gave us to enjoy.”
I wonder if her wisdom and power comes
from that experience. At 12 years old she obediently complied with tradition. A
few years later, she started asking questions. Today she is an activist.
I also did not confess to Margaret that
I searched her name on the internet and learned that she had organized street
girls in Nairobi’s immense slums for health and education. Long before I met
Margaret I’d learned how vulnerable girls were in Nairobi’s slums, because the
study tour itineraries I planned in my day job included meetings with Kenyan
human service groups. I had once visited Kangemi, just one of the city’s six
sprawling slums with a population of 100,000 people or so, circa 2000. I had
met teenagers who were orphaned by HIV/AIDS, or their parents were drug
addicts, or prostitutes, or for whatever reason, they were alone. I remember
marveling at how well pressed their clothes were, right there in the heart of
the slum. They had all wanted my email address.
While other people may have seen
Margaret as just another student, I saw her as special, even one with
extraordinary abilities. A prophetess. A healer. I had an idea of the immensity
of her accomplishments, even though her home church and possibly even the
immediate community around us, did not. While Margaret had earned her Masters
of Divinity degree, her denomination in Kenya would not ordain her because she was
a woman.
And
yet, Margaret with her royal aura dared you not to pity her, nor her slums, nor
her continent.
*
Touche'! I feel that last sentence is one of the best I've ever written, if I do say so myself. Thanks much for coming over. Your best thoughts and prayers for the development of rest of this chapter is much appreciated.
With love from yours truly,
Natural Born Bleeding Heart
Friday, December 20, 2013
Sk8r boy in bell choir
Hello friends, here's an excerpt from a post I was grateful to write for the Living Lutheran:
I also like to watch one particular bell choir member, my son, the 14-year-old skater boy with long curly hair and dude attitude. On a Sunday morning when they ring, as soon as I find my place on a red cushioned pew, usually packed with people, I look up to see him. We make eye contact. He’s always watching to see if I’m watching. We give our secret little wave. I burst with maternal joy, yet resist the urge to record him and the choir of choirs on my iPhone because the experience is too tremendous to capture.
I also like to watch one particular bell choir member, my son, the 14-year-old skater boy with long curly hair and dude attitude. On a Sunday morning when they ring, as soon as I find my place on a red cushioned pew, usually packed with people, I look up to see him. We make eye contact. He’s always watching to see if I’m watching. We give our secret little wave. I burst with maternal joy, yet resist the urge to record him and the choir of choirs on my iPhone because the experience is too tremendous to capture.
We call him “skater boy” because that’s what he is. This ninth-grade kid could spend hours and hours on downtown streets with his be-hooded, long-haired friends and respective skateboards. They skate in empty parking ramps and in front of the Y that’s soon to be demolished. I’d much rather see him involved in some kind of structured activity like, say, swimming or drama or cross country or band. He’s interested in none of these things, no matter how many times I inquire, no matter what incentives he’s offered.
With thanks to the fabulous people at Living Lutheran, I invite you to read this full post at: http://www.elca.org/en/Living-Lutheran/Blogs/2013/11/131121
Sunday, December 8, 2013
That Monday Feeling
My biggest decision today is whether to bake biscuits or blog. Our old house is drafty and the fireplace ignition has worn down, so there's not much to keep us warm except layers of sweaters, the electric pad on our bed, and the kitchen candles lit for at least the illusion of warmth. (An old trick from one of my college roommates when we lived in a small tailor house insulated like a tin can on a South Dakota prairie. "There are universities in South Dakota?" I was asked once when I lived in New York City, but that's another story.)
Baking is another way to keep warm. My apron fits over my sweatered layers and I occasionally stick my hands in the oven for a burst of heat. A fresh pot of coffee helps too. Afternoon coffee is my Sunday indulgence, to give you an idea of how easily pleased I am these days. Or maybe I'm difficult to please, depending on how you look at it. Bob would probably say I'm hard to please because I always like the bedroom window open six inches while we sleep, he prefers it open four inches. I slide it to six inches before I slip into the heated bed. He comes in later, shuts it to four inches. I get up in the middle of the night, slide it back to six inches. And so on. Our window dilemma may be one way to understand the bottom side of marriage, or the underside of human relationships in general -- we're much more alike than different yet we dither back and forth about two inches instead of keeping eyes on the prize: fresh air.
Or possibly the window is an indicator of my poverty of spirit -- I'm not thinking about the things of birth and death, I'm trying to warm my house while also feeling the precise amount of frigid air that my lungs and pores crave. I'm thinking about Monday morning and back to work that, I suppose, is also about the big things in life, somewhere down the line. Last week at church my friend Ed and I talked about "that Sunday feeling" of dread about Monday morning. It's the opposite of "that Thursday feeling" of hope for the weekend. Monday morning is icy fingers plucking you from the warmth of imagination and and into the cold of routine. Maybe the trick is to hard wire your brain to link Monday with the things of meaning. It is, of course, but the hard part is to feel it.
For now, I'm focused on baking biscuits, ala my Betty Crocker cookbook. That's it.
Thank you, friends, for coming over to my blog. Stay safe and warm.
With love from yours truly,
Natural Born Bleeding Heart
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